I am trained as a prophet of old to deal with Yahweh as if in an Old Testament way. The books of 1 and 2 Kings give examples of how those prophets dealt with Yahweh without the sugarcoating and the soft fluffy words of affirmation every moment.
When I first started training in a more class-like setting, Yahweh more often used phrases like “you can do it,” “don’t get weary,” “I am with you,” “you are My daughter,” and so on. Once the training shifted into the Cave training of hidden away and learning to deal with rejection, Yahweh set certain restrictions in place to not take Yahweh lightly and be too comfortable.
Then Yahweh started calling me “servant.” At first, I was so upset and offended because I thought that that meant I was worth nothing. But then, He made me see that He shifted me from just being a daughter in the Kingdom to an office official who would receive tasks and assignments on official orders from the King. It’s similar to a family situation: King Jesus was the Son of God on Earth, and His natural mother (Mary) had to see Him as the Son of God, not just her son who came out of her womb. And Mary would not be able to attain eternal life if she could not take in King Jesus as the Great God I AM.
So, when Yahweh deals with me, He gives me difficult lessons and greater levels of responsibility in His Kingdom work. From battle training to spiritual warfare and studies on engagement, He gives harsh training to prepare me for whatever may come. He doesn’t want me unprepared. Cuddling me will not prepare me to deal with any warfare. Just as the general in the military should carry specific disciplines and receive secrets or harsher punishments than a new military member would, Yahweh takes me through stages of training that make it appear that He is a mean God. In all actuality, because of the training level, restrictions, and establishment of discipline, Yahweh trusts me to do what He says and pushes greater surgings from Him that are dangerous to the regular untrained and undisciplined Christian.
The abuse started at a very young age. I was no more than the age of six when the demon entered me. This demon would be the first of many due to how I would live. The first man to touch me in a plan that led to a demon living within did not care that I was a young child. My parents were Christians, yet I could not say what had happened.
The details of my teenage years were no different. I endured physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, and I used school activities to hide the pain. The amazing detail that I will speak about is that the Great Holy Spirit was with me during these circumstances. Yahweh would call out to me through various situations. He would allow me to see King Jesus in visions.
I had a hunger for God even though life was hard. I knew there was more than living life like this, but I didn’t know what I needed to do to connect with the Creator of the world. Deep within, I thought I wasn’t good enough for what God would want me to do. I thought He would not want me due to being mistreated and abused. I just didn’t know who would understand this without judging me. I needed love, but I didn’t know what this love would look like even if it were to come.
I started to lose my Christian way of living, and this way of sinful living took a deep hold within. I could not tell of this way of living due to not wanting others to reject me. I became addicted to pornography and had stronger cravings for sexual details that I will not mention. There were many cravings within I could not handle to the point where I began to act on them. I became a predator, wanting to take and control all who would dare try to intimidate me. I did not want to be hurt anymore, so I used my body or the words I would say as a weapon to manipulate—to get what I wanted at that moment.
I didn’t care about the problems I caused. I had filled my life with occultic things and didn’t know it. I filled my life with perversion and excused it as a way to pursue what I craved. I did my best in my fleshly way of living to make me believe I was worth something. The price was high as the dreams that I pursued were harder to reach. I was on a path of death and didn’t think it could happen to me because I once knew King Jesus. I thought He would understand.
I didn’t know that Yahweh would still love me, where He would think I was worth something even when I lived apart from Him. I knew of the stories from the Bible. I knew of the “Jesus Loves Me” songs, but this was different in my heart. I needed true power from God Himself to shake me to the core of my being, and this is what He would do in His sovereign way:
Through a dream, the Lord spoke and gave me a great warning of my life if I chose to stay on the way of living that I entertained. He gave me a choice at that time, yet I still think that I would not have embraced His will if He didn’t come and bring the second dream, which He did. The dreams felt like reality. I was terrified of the warnings and yet grateful to Yahweh for them.
Now, I grew up hoping the love I had for God would overturn the memories from what I endured as a child, but it did not. I journaled my hopes and frustrations. In transparency, I found it easier to write my thoughts and prayers to Yahweh, and over time, I felt comfort in knowing that He listened. Yahweh didn’t leave me when I was angry or depressed. The hurt, the bitterness, the youth taken—I had to give these details to Yahweh so He could bring full healing. By the power of the Great Holy Spirit, I learned how to release the pain of those details over time.
So much has changed since that day. But Yahweh has been constant in His love. He gives tests and gauges My spiritual growth, yet He shows me times of refreshing when needed. I can always talk with Him, knowing that it doesn’t matter what time of day or night. And throughout my learning, I can be sure of His purpose: We will work towards preaching the Kingdom and preparing the world for the return of Christ.
There always seems like there is time. But there will one day be an ending to this living. Why not taste Yahweh’s Kingdom now? He can help you in your time of painful living. And even if you have perfect friends and family with you, what are they able to protect you with? Can any other offer eternal living? Here is what my God King Jesus says:
(1) “Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. (2) In My Father’s house are many rooms; if that were not so, I would have told you, because I am going there to prepare a place for you. (3) And if I go and prepare a place for you, I am coming again and will take you to Myself, so that where I am, there you also will be. (4) And you know the way where I am going.” (5) Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going; how do we know the way?” (6) Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father except through Me.
—John 14:1-6 NASB
Come and drink the Living Water He offers this day. If you do, there will be immediate Kingdom citizenship.
(9) If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. (10) For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved.
—Romans 10:9-10 NLT
The Prayer of Salvation
Dear Jesus, I ask You to forgive me of all of my sins. I ask You to save me. I have turned my back on You, but now I come to You. Please cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Please heal me. Please heal me in every area of my life. Most importantly, please come to live within me. I want to know You. I want to have a relationship with You. I am Yours. I am Yours forever, my God, my King, and I choose to serve You for the rest of my days. Thank You, Lord, for dying for me and for saving me. I receive all that You have for me. I look forward to being with You forever. Amen.